8.29.2012

Too Much, Not Enough

There's too much of everything.   There's too much of a good thing, too many bad things.  There are too many ways to live your life.  There are way too many decisions to make and when you do there are too many responses. There are too many opinions.  There is absolutely, with out a doubt, too many choices for consumers.  There is too much going on in the world, between the politics and religion and war and Olympics, and illnesses and debates and sports and crafts and projects and blogs and TV shows and concerts, there are too many magazines to read and too many friends to keep updated with.  There are too many things to be good at and too many things to be the worst at.  There are too many contests, too many winners and too many losers.  There are too many places to visit, and too many places to avoid, there are too many rules and regulations, there is too much Government and too many agencies, there are even too many places to donate to.

I feel that I am not doing any part of my life correctly because everyone else is telling me I'm not doing whatever part of my life... enough.  There are too many "enoughs."  I don't shoot enough.  I don't read enough.  I don't know enough about my camera or my equipment.  I don't edit enough.  I don't read blogs enough.  I don't look at other websites for inspiration enough.  I don't post enough to FB, I don't take enough Instagram photos.  I don't advertise enough.  I don't spend enough.  I don't pray enough.  I don't read my Bible enough.  I don't live radically enough.  I don't swim enough.  I don't do yoga near as much as I should....aka I don't do it enough.  I don't travel enough.  I don't shop enough.  I don't spend my money on enough things... and I'm not even saying what things you think I should spend my money on... whatever it is whether it's God or clothes or cars or kitchen tools or lenses... I don't do it enough.

Why can't we just live simple lives?  Why do we have beat ourselves up as we try to get to the top, the top of whatever it is your trying to do... because once you get there, it's never enough.  Why can't I go to church on Sundays, volunteer on Fridays and pray once in a while?  What's wrong with that?  Why can't I photograph the way I want to, however often I want to, and post whatever I want to.  I know what your thinking... you can!  Of course I can.  But I'm tired of feeling the guilt that it's not enough.  Nothing anymore is enough.  Your not a good enough of wife, your not a good enough business person, your not a good enough blogger, your not a good enough Christian, your not a good enough  neighbor and your not a good enough sister or daughter.   You. Are. Not. Good. Enough.

I don't want to feel like this every other month... where I just feel like I'm not doing it, I'm not getting it. I'm thirty years old and on days like this I feel like I don't even know where to begin, I don't know who I am.  I'm not even weird enough to live in this city.  I don't have enough tattoos (I don't have ANY!), and I don't eat at all the coolest places with the best ambience, I don't wear weird hats and t-shirts with suspenders, I don't eat enough organic food and I don't listen to enough singer-songerwriters who's music doesn't even make sense when you read the lyrics.  I don't do-Portland-enough.

ENOUGH already.  Can someone please turn down the heat in this pressure cooker.

1 comment:

Loraena said...

I know that feeling. I've had to fight it a lot. Sometimes I've had to be really deliberate about turning down the noise so that I can just do the life God has intended for me, not the one I imagine I should be living if I were my ideal self (if that makes sense).

One thing I have learned is that it is not healthy or God-glorifying to live under a constant, vague sense of guilt. When God shows a specific area of sin, or a habit that needs changing, we should definitely change, or seek ask him to change us. But if that's not the case, I think that day-to-day guilt comes from social expectations we place on ourselves or imagine others place on us. Sometimes you need to just withdraw and re-evaluate before you can know the difference though. But once you know, it's so freeing! =)